How are you doing?

"How are you doing?" Isn't that the question of the year. We all ask this question, to everyone we meet, to everyone we know, to everyone we haven't seen for a while, to everyone we saw last week. It's a question I don't know how to answer sometimes and I have pretty much the same answer for everyone. "I'm ok. One day at a time." A friend of mine who suffered a great loss 3 months before I did told me that she was living her life minute by minute. I never understood that wholeheartedly until now. Some days it IS minute by minute and others is day by day. God tells us in Matthew 6:34 "do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." I know that if it were up to me, I would stay in bed all day and maybe pull the covers over my head, but my strength to GET UP and GET MOVING is from the Lord. If I look ahead and I look to next week or next month or next year, I get anxious and scared. That is why that verse is so comforting because I know God supplies me the strength that I NEED from Him each day and only for that day. Until the sun rises the next and He supplies me with another day, and for that I am thankful.

Grief is a strange thing. Everyone tells me that everyone grieves differently and I do see that. Sasha's mom, sister, dad, brother, friends, business partner, co-workers, pastor...everyone is grieving differently. I don't know how long this pain will last, I'm assuming there will always be this ache in my bones and in my heart for my sweet husband. Has it gotten easier? No. I have more days of darkness and crying now than I did the first month. Am I angry at God or questioning why yet? No. I see the work that He's doing from Sasha's life all around me and I KNOW that his death was not in vain. Knowing this doesn't make it easier and spending time with my friends, working, going to church, serving others and studying keeps me busy and keeps me focused on other things than the grief. However, being pulled in so many directions and obtaining so many new responsibilities is hard and sometimes I need to focus on the grief and the reality and it hurts. It hurts when I look at Logan and he is doing something new or fun, seeing his growing body and his growing personality. It will continue to hurt and that's ok, we are human and as Pastor Mike said in his sermon at the memorial, we don't need to be stoic and not grieve or cry. So I'll do just that. Cry when I need to and cry some more.

I've heard whisperings of people wondering why I've been hash tagging #onedaycloser and that some are even worried about me. God calls us to set our minds on the eternal things because this world, this body, this life is so temporary. Our lives are a mist {James 4:14} and as a born again Christian, I know that eternal life is what my goal is. That doesn't mean that this life isn't important, because things I do here will matter in eternity and matter to my living God. It just means I'm looking forward to heaven, to see God in all His glory and to see Sasha again. As Christians, "we don't seek to escape this life by dreaming of heaven. But we do find we can endure this life because of the certainty of heaven." {The Glory of Heaven by John MacArthur} So friends, do not worry about me, I am #onedaycloser but I am living my life now and I am taking joy in it, the joy is just intermingled with the hurt but the joy is still there.

So, allow me to grieve my husband. If I break down and cry, let me. If I retreat and I don't respond to you, let me. If I want to laugh about silly things, let me. And don't be afraid to ask me how I'm doing, it changes day by day.

In Christ,

Bernadette